Lego Love-Fest

With two sick kids this week, we were home-bound for a few days. I was sorry to have missed our home school group's field trip to The Field Museum in Chicago, but part of living means learning to roll with the punches (an always important and welcome reminder for me). Now Mina and Ari aren't always the best of friends, but for two whole days, side by side, they built a Lego city!  I listened to them planning, giving each other suggestions, piggybacking ideas off one another and role-playing as they went along.  All this, without any arguing, bickering, fighting, whining.  NONE!  For two, TWO, entire days!  I wish I'd gotten a photo, but I was soaking it all in, relishing in their camaraderie. Their relationship is notorious for being a bit tumultuous, so moments like these are especially important.  They are bonding. I just have to stop and take notice more often. 

Welcoming in the New Year

Happy New Year! 

What a fantabulous 2010 we had!  We celebrated 10 years of marriage, Gottlieb's coming of age and high school graduation, as well as Thomas' college graduation and my sister Karen's engagement! We cheered when Thomas got, and accepted, a job offer. We awaited, and then welcomed our sweet baby girl and relished in the accomplishment of Mina's stage debut.  We gazed, in awe, at one of Ari's Lego structures and laughed as Oliver swam like a fishy, diving under the water over and over again. In short, our hearts grew and grew and grew, and then grew some more!

We really whooped it up on New Year's Eve, spending time with loved ones, eating cake to celebrate Ari's 8th birthday, playing pass the picture and dancing games on the wii, and toasting to the next best year of our lives!

39 things

I just turned 39.  One week ago, to be exact. I think it's so interesting  that I've always looked forward to my thirties.  In fact, I can't recall ever being afraid to get older. Or even elderly. I do have a plan, and that is to take in every second of my final year as a thirty-something (anyone remember that show?) I also wrote a list of goals for the next twelve months, not a bucket-list really, just reminders to myself about some things I'd like to learn or do . . . some bigger tasks, others tiny blips, and in no particular order.

1.   Start sewing again (this first requires that I either give my 28yr old machine an overhaul or buy a new one)
2.   Focus more on the positive (for those who don't know me well, I'm a bit of a pessimist)
3.   Learn to play either the piano or guitar
4.   Buy new sheets
5.   Knit myself a sweater and pair of socks
6.   Bake bread every week
7.   Exercise (this one feels heavy already--I DON'T enjoy exercising)
8.   Grow house plants.  My poor Christmas cactus is lonely.
9.   Give several rooms in the house a fresh coat of paint
10. Organize the basement
11.  Take better care of my flower beds
12.  Remember more birthdays
13.  Give hand-made gifts
14.  Add some crazy color to my hair for fun
15.  Get a nose piercing (again)
16.  Volunteer
17.  Kiss my husband more
18.  Call my mom more often
19.  Play in the rain with the kids
20.  Use the computer less
21.  Plan meal menus
22.  Host more gatherings with family & friends
23.  S I M P L I F Y
24.  Visit my grandparents monthly
25.  Raise my voice less often
26.  Take time everyday to send up prayers
27.  Dance any chance I get (and play Just Dance 2! Hey, maybe that's my ticket to exercise!)
28.  Smile more, even when I don't feel like it
29.  Create (draw, paint, knit, craft, write)
30.  Spend more one-on-one time with each of my children
31.  Schedule household jobs with the goal of taking less time to accomplish them
32.  Attend more live performances
33.  Visit more museums
34.  Own my wrinkles, changing skin and body
35.  Speak with gentleness
36.  Don't worry!  Be happy!
37.  Learn to can
38.  Live with more peaceful and loving intention
39.  Be more zen about the condition of my house (translation-quit being so damn anal!)

I see this list as fluid, maybe changing and certainly not complete.  Thirty-nine is going to be a fabulous year!

This old house

Built in 1850, and the carriage house for the home next door, the two-story brick house we bought eight and a half years ago is something special.  I know I'm not alone in adoring my house, but it feels good to write it down.  To acknowledge the little things that make it so. 

Thomas and I have weathered horrendous personal storms and celebrated new beginnings here. Those are certainly times to remember.

We've hosted family gatherings and chatted with our dearest friends around the dining room table. Another tick in the special column.

Three of our children were born here, two in our upstairs bedroom and one right in the middle of the living room.  This is the place where our children learn, play, question and are inspired. That's EXTRA special!  

And next week we'll celebrate another Christmas here. Each holiday imprinting new and etched-in-our-hearts forever memories.  The kind of memories that keep you warm when it's -5 and remind you of what's "worth keeping." 

For all its negatives (well, being this old means there are plenty!), there are more positives. And what's really interesting is that even some of those negatives are actually positives in disguise. Its small rooms sometime make me feel boxed in and squished, but I also love how cozy that feels. Less space to clean feels pretty damn good too! Crooked old pine floors can be a pain to sweep, with last night's toast crumbs or play dough remnants hiding in the space between the boards.  But how incredible to think about the people whose feet walked these floors.

We have definitely outgrown this house, space-wise anyway.  The time will come when we decide to move on, but for now I'll continue to enjoy living in this old house.

Thankful Thursday. Taking comfort in...

I've had a rough few days.  Between parenting the older kids, comforting a fussy baby, and trying to get ready for a weekend trip, I feel emotionally tapped out and overwhelmed. And my body is in need of many things.  Like sleep. And exercise (ick!). I have a sneaking suspicion that I may also be experiencing some postpartum blues. I cry a lot, often letting silent tears run down my cheeks when everyone else is enjoying sweet slumber.

Vivien isn't the happiest baby I've ever met; she is a Virgo after all. She seems uncomfortable in her little body.  She grunts and squirms A LOT.  She cries A LOT. In some moments, I feel like she doesn't want me and my heart hurts. And then my heart hurts when I can't seem to comfort her; when she doesn't want to nurse, or rock, or be held in my arms. Maybe her spirit is just too big for her small package right now, and as her body grows, so will her ease in navigating the world within it. I'm really trying to work through this with her; reminding her that we chose one another and that I'm so happy she's here. We all are. I guess we just have to convince her to be happy too.

In not being able to comfort my baby, I've thought a lot about the things I take comfort in. Maybe those things will help calm Vivien. Or myself, when I feel like my ears might explode from listening to her scream for an hour straight. When I find comfort in something it's because I can count on it. It's a rock. So I made a list.

~ James Taylor

Whenever I listen to his music, I get to feeling peaceful.  Kind of groovy even.  His voice is smooth, unique, and his lyrics conjure up images that touch me in the sweetest, most nostalgic ways. The most incredible live concert I ever went to was his.  I've danced with my babies to "Sweet Baby James" a hundred times, snuggling them up to my chest and breathing in their sweaty hair.  I've listened to "You've got a Friend" over and over on an old 45 record. I've belted out "Fire & Rain" time after time while driving in the car.  James' music has been a friend through the many bumps in my path and in shiny, golden moments.

~ Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

What can I say?  I've got a crush on Jimmy.  I often fall asleep during his show, but I love it, and him, just the same. I fell in love with him when he was on Saturday Night Live and he is even funnier now.  There's nothing like a good hearty laugh, and I'm almost guaranteed one of those when watching his show.  My childhood was filled with laughter.  From my dad and his brothers, re-telling old, crazy stories. To my mom, chatting away about silly matters with the neighbors or her sisters.  And then to my sister and I, dressed up in lingerie, singing away on our front porch or singing "Washington Woman" with my dad.  Laughter is the best medicine isn't it?

~ My well-worn, 8 year old couch

I've always had a "thing" about my place on a couch.  As a kid, I could often be found in "the crack," that most comfy spot right where two cushions meet. I wasn't the only one who coveted that position either. Us kids would argue about who got to sit in it. Who doesn't want to feel warm and cozy, right? Now I perch myself at the arm, just under the lamp, with legs curled up. It's where, for the past several years, I've read to my children, talked with my husband, and visited with guests. It's where I write shopping lists, take phone calls, and sip on the lattes that Thomas makes for me. It's simply my spot.

~ The Hubs & Kiddos

Especially when everyone is home. Then we're in our own cocoon, safe. And loud! As much as the noise can grate on my nerves, I feel immense gratitude for the people that are the source of it.  This my greatest comfort.  It's then that I'm reminded of just how beautiful, abundant and marvelous my life is.

Music. Laughter. Warmth. Love.

The things I cling to when it's almost 2a.m and I've yet to fall asleep for the night because I'm cuddling a spirited baby girl. (smile)

Thankful Thursday

My friend Jodi over at Sunflower Hill Farm posts a Gratituesday every week and I find them so touching. I know I could use a lovely reminder of what's 'worth keeping,' so today I begin.

My heart is filled with gratitude that I get to be mama to five amazing, beautiful, glorious human beings.  I'm thankful we chose one another long before we ever got to meet face-to-face.  Mothering these children is the most important work I'll ever do, the work I'm honored to do, the work that takes my breath away in moments of pure bliss and pulls at my heart during rough spells.  I offer my thanks to the Universe, the Great Spirit,  for these blessings. Migwetth!

Vivien's Home Waterbirth

As I sit here nursing my sweet Vivien, it seems like the perfect time (and place) to share her birth story and some photos.  Warning--this will be long and picture heavy.

I'll preface her story with some information about my other four births.  Namely, my tendency to go 'over-due.'  While I believe babies come when they're darn good and ready, I always get antsy, uncomfortable, and just ready to be done with pregnancy by the estimated due date.  And then I pass that date. Maybe by a few days, maybe by another week or more. In any case, that's when I get a bit crazy.  This time was different.

Having experienced two miscarriages in six months prior to conceiving Vivien, I was ecstatic to be pregnant again, but it was far from all roses.  The first four months were riddled with terrible morning sickness, day and night, and by the last month I was bigger than I'd ever been. Two days before going into labor, I felt desperate to give birth.  I could barely walk, was terribly swollen and grumpy. I was 39wks when I ate a pineapple.  A pineapple?  Yep, an entire pineapple.  Old wives tale or not, there is an enzyme in pineapple that may help soften the cervix.  I listened to some Hypnobabies tracks and talked with my baby about how I was ready for his/her birthing time.

Two days later, on the morning of September 21st, at 39wks 2days, I awoke to a very strong contraction.  It was about 5:30a.m and the house was so peaceful and dark.  I remember just relaxing and sending up prayers that the waves would continue.  Fifteen minutes later, another one came.  Fifteen minutes later, yet another and I couldn't stay in bed any longer.  I got up and that's when my bowels started emptying in preparation for the birth.  I woke Thomas and my oldest son Gottlieb to let them know, put on my birth necklace from my Blessingway with Oliver, and hopped in the shower.  The water felt so wonderful as I leaned into the shower wall during each wave. By 6:30a.m. I knew that I was definitely in labor and decided to make the calls to my birth team (my sister-in-law Therese, who would be giving labor support, my dear friend Tricia, who would be taking photographs and my sister Karen, who would be helping take care of my other children) and midwives. By 8a.m., the waves were coming every five minutes and the midwives were on their way.

Time started to feel different now. In an instant it seemed that Therese and Tricia were already here. Thomas popped in the birth music CD I burned and Therese began massaging my back and doing Reiki (energy work) on me as I sat on the birth ball.

The younger kids were starting to wake and one by one, came downstairs where they were greeted with the sounds of their laboring mama!  Mina is such a natural doula and began tending to me, just like she did during my labor with Oliver. She was either touching me or hovering the entire time. Ari wasn't as interested and enjoyed the computer time he got!  Oliver snuggled up to his Aunt Karen. Godi left to pick up his girlfriend so she could be here as well. It was 9:30a.m when my midwives Debbie and Emma arrived.

 Almost immediately, they and Thomas started getting the birth pool set up and filled.

The contractions were very strong at this point and I felt baby moving down with each one. I got into the pool around 10a.m and it was awesome!  I felt so much relief and was dozing in between waves.

 

 I continued to labor in the water for about an hour and a half, with Therese & Mina massaging my shoulders, arms and lower back. The mood was filled with happiness and light-heartedness in between contractions, but felt quiet and slow during the contractions.  I felt surrounded by loving support, exactly how a mama in labor should feel.

 

 About 11:30a.m, my contractions slowed down a bit and the water was getting cool, so the midwives suggested I get out for awhile. As soon as I got out, things ramped up again.  I sat on the birth ball again as my body continued to move my baby further down.  I was very vocal, as I always am during this hard work, but I reminded myself to keep those sounds low and slow and to just "open."

Soon, I started getting 'grunty' and wanted to get back into the tub.  It was now 12:30p.m. I hadn't been in the pool long when I began feeling more than 'grunty,' I was feeling 'pushy'! After a few more contractions, I felt the pop of my water breaking.  This was at 12:49p.m.  Now the original plan for was for me to catch the baby, but I realized at this point that I was comfortable sitting upright, supporting myself with my arms and didn't feel strong enough to catch.  Thomas was next in line to catch, but things moved so quickly now that he just couldn't get in position.  After my water broke, Debbie grabbed the flashlight to see what was happening.  Much to her surprise, and ours, there was a head! At this point, my body completely took over; I felt the burning of her head crowning and continued pushing our baby out.  Two minutes later, at 12:51p.m, Vivien JoyAnn was born!

It took us a few minutes to check whether we had a girl or boy, mostly because I was concerned and wanted to make sure she was okay.  She had a lot of bruising on her face from coming down the birth canal in two minutes flat!

 

All my babies together!   Unfortunately, Godi missed the birth by a few minutes because he had to leave to take his girlfriend back to school.  He wasn't upset though; he's attended all of his siblings births and didn't feel as if he missed out.  Yeah Godi, you're an old hand at this birth business eh?!

 

 

We spend the next half hour cuddling in the water, everyone staring and simply falling in-love with this new little being. It was then that the umbilical cord stopped pulsating and it was time for Thomas to cut it.

 I needed to get out of the tub so Vivien went to Thomas for their first cuddle, skin-to-skin.

I began feeling contractions again, but the stubborn placenta wouldn't budge.  I felt a ton of pressure and pain and wanted that darn thing out! I was starting to get upset that it wasn't coming and the midwives suggested maybe they use some pitocin to encourage things along, but i didn't want that if I could help it. Every time I tried to stand up, the pressure became overwhelming.  Finally, I bit the bullet, stood up, held onto the midwives and pushed. Splash!! Finally the placenta plopped into the water.  What a relief!

It's so interesting to me that the placentas with both my girls were stubborn. I'm still contemplating why. The midwives examined me, no tears but lots of clots-eek.  Then I nursed Vivien for the first time. What a champ she was, and continues to be.

We soon made our way upstairs where Vivien's newborn exam was administered.  Her Apgars were 9 at one and five minutes, 7lbs 13.5oz and 20in long. My second biggest after Oliver, who was 8lbs even, but almost two pounds bigger than teeny tiny Mina.

Debbie examined the placenta, with the kids and Aunt Therese gathering around to watch and listen. What a science lesson!

 

More nursing before snuggling up to enjoy some shared sleep.

 

I ended up passing more clots and almost passed out that night.  Debbie gave me some Shephard's Purse tincture before leaving, but the fact that my hemoglobin was already low, paired with the clots, just meant I needed to take it easy, stay in bed as much as possible, keep up my iron supplementation and stay hydrated.  For five days I had a true BabyMoon, my only responsibilities were nursing and bonding with Vivien and letting others take care of me. I still can't believe she came five days early! It took some time for me to figure out which song was playing as Vivien was welcomed Earth-side, but I can remember now.  It was Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic," one of my all-time favorite songs.  And oh so appropriate! 

I loved this birth as I did my others.  I feel grateful to have given birth four times at home with the loving support of family, friends and trusted midwives. I also feel grateful to have given birth in a hospital, with very little intervention and lots of support. The women surrounding me, all of them holding sacred space for me and this baby.  My husband and children being present, always showing their love so freely. The late September heat wave and daytime sun.  All of us together, collectively waiting with open arms and hearts to welcome in a new spirit.                            

 And here's my chunker of a girl two months later!